Jack's magic beans grew a beanstock up into the sky. Our magic beans might just grow a beanstock between our daughter and the rest of the world. Let the magic begin....and please let it work!!!!!
I couldnt' take it anymore. None of us could. This living with a tornado of emotions, whirling, twisting, building up steam and then slamming us to the ground - metaphorically speaking.
Last week was amazingly hard. The tension was incredible. The frusteration levels high.
Then I got a call from Gerry - my knight in funny, sarcastic, phychologist armour on Monday. How are things going he asks? They suck! Sucksucksucksuck. Things suck! We talked about what's been going on. The volitility, the scattered-ness, the mood swings and lashing out. Why is it so different than last summer? She's working with us again but this year it's harder. Why? Is she different and why? Could it be that puberty has hit full on and that's what's making things harder for her...and us? Could it be that because school was a less structured invironment that she's simply become less in control of her emotions as a result? Could it be we are just burnt out and have less patience and a more jaded view of what's going on and she's really just the same as she's always been but we aren't? Who really knows but I think it's a combination of all three. No matter what - I can't take it anymore. I'm done.
The conversation continued:
Have we started the meds? NO
What happened with doctor situation? Nothing - everyone's on holidays or leaving and I feel like we are in limbo. Do we wait till the new doc has taken over and we start from square one with him and get pre-med baselines done or wait till this other doc is back from holidays and hope he will take her as a patient? Limbo.
After talking with Gerry we decided that maybe, since things are so frusteratinly chaotic right now, that waiting might not be a good option. We both want to get her on these meds asap so we have a good idea of it's effects before school starts back up - plus it would be nice to have an enjoyable summer vacation instead of a tense one. So it was decided - that if her doctor wasn't concerned about getting a baseline before hand, we would just trust that he felt it wasn't necessary (i personally vote for the he doesn't have a clue theory but i didn't tell Gerry that) and on Tuesday I did my own baseline testing. I borrowed a blood-sugar testing kit and did two tests to get an average norm for her and had her bloodpressue tested using the machine at the pharmacy, and bought a scale (i've NEVER owned one - ever) and got a starting weight and I filled the prescription. Tuesday night at 9:30pm she started her meds.
And what was Wednesday like? Well.... I personally barely saw her at all Wednesday since she'd gone to work with Al first thing in the morning but from what he reported - she's still A....but the old A - happy and bubbly and goofy and giddy and full of energy but in a much less scattered way. He could talk to her, give her instruction and she followed through with what he said. No snarking and snarling and snipping and complaining about every little inconsequential thing...which had been becoming her 'norm' lately. The true test came late in the afternoon once everyone was all at home. While she's still irritated that the siblings dare to be in her presence and she has to share a house with them, any time she spoke to them it was with much less drama and meanness. It's really hard to explain. It's like she's still irritated by them but is able to control the lashing out to some extent and when I spoke to her about one particular incident she actually listened and calmed down. There was no over-reaction. Wow! How cool.
I'm thinking this med might just be the hope we needed. It's not a big cure but if it helps her think more clearly maybe then things like behaviour mod. techniques and consequences and rewards systems might actually have some effect now...up until this point they never seemed to be very effective and quite a waste of energy. So - this might be the calm after the storm and the next step will be to do a bit of clean up, trying some techniques and such to set things back on track. I'm just afraid that I've been battling the storm for so long now that I don't have the patience, that I'm too jaded and cynical to really put the needed energy into the next stage. What if I'm too angry and too easily irritated after all this time that I can't focus and get organized and do my part in making things better.
I'm also trying to ignore comments like 'oh she's high - just look into her eyes' like it's a bad thing. I'm not medicating her to keep her high and fuzzy and out of touch with reality. The way I understand things is that she her brain is overprocessing absolutely every single detail of every single thing going on around her and can't filter out what's inconsequential and what's important. She over reacts to every slight thing because it's overwhelming. The purpose of this med is to give her brain "sunglasses" so that it can filter out all the information around her and so she can properly experience reality. At least that's my view on it and if other people want to say....oh we are just making her high so she's easier to control - whatever.
No comments:
Post a Comment