Recently Sue at navel gazing at it's finest wrote a letter and it got me thinking......if I could write a letter like that who would I write it to. Instantly I knew who was getting a letter from me and while it will in no way be as side- splittingly funny as Sue's letter (did you go read it? you should - it's really funny) here is my letter:
Dear Old House
Don't get me wrong Old House, this isn't hate mail and I don't want you to feel threatened by it but I have some things to get off my chest. Maybe we will get along better after I've said my peace.
I know you have been stoiclly withstanding the ravages of time and weather and have provided shelter and a home for 4 generations of this family but honestly - you can't not know that you are making me crazy. I'm sure you've heard me rant on more than one occassion about your lack of closet space - or any closets for that matter and your floorplan is just plain crazy. Talk about wasted potential. And dont' think it's just me thinking this way. I've spoken with the former Lady of the House and she'll back me up on this. You should hear her opinions about your kitchen design. It would make your windows crack...or maybe you've heard the stories? Your original hardwood flooring and I have huge issues and we wont even go into that new(ish) laminate stuff they put in your kitchen a half dozen years ago that's just entirely sad. The sagging and sloping floors are just a plain joke. Really. They are a joke. Can't you hear us all laughing at you when someone spills a drink on the floor and it rolls out of the kitchen faster than anyone can get a cloth to soak it up with? Do you think the mop has a permanent spot in the doorway just for asthetic purposes? No, it's to trap the water when the stupid dog tries to carry his water bowl through the house. No matter where he spills it......the water eventually ends up in that one spot as if by magic. This just cannot be right.
Oh and speaking of water. Oh boy do we need to talk about water. What is with you and water. I'm fairly certain that when it rains outside your main purpose is to keep the rain out. Why oh why do you insist on letting it in? Do you not realize that it is not supposed to rain INSIDE and especially in areas where important things are kept like my computer and my scrapbooking stuff. I'm tired of relocating these things to accomodate you. Seriously what is up with the whole water leak thing?
Shingles you say?
Ya - as if anyone in their right mind will climb onto that ski-jump you call a roof. Many a man has been struck speechless when I suggest they climb up there and give you a much needed facelift - and these are professionals OldHouse. Not just any joe-shmoe I'm trying to buy off with a 24 of Bud and a couple pizzas - those guys just laugh hysterically and think I'm JOKING and then drink my beer anyway!
I know in my heart this isn't all your fault. You are in serious need of some TLC but I don't honestly think Ty and the crew from Extreme Home Makeover will be waking us with bullhorns in this lifetime so could you cut me some slack? OilOfOlay doesn't make vats of Age-Denying formula big enough to tackle some of the cracks and wrinkles you've got going on. That new one by the bathroom (which we will not even discuss because the subject makes me ill) door - where did that come from? I just spotted it last night and almost had heart failure. What are you doing to me? I'm going to need to colour the grey out of my hair next week if you keep this up.
I'm seriously trying so hard not to be jealous of those new condos we've been working at the past month but you are making it very very hard not to be. I mean you should see their closet space and the floorplan just melts my heart and Al - OMG he has fallen in love with the height of the basement in them and can you blame him? Remember that time he was working down in your basement and he broke not one but three lightbulbs in one afternoon by walking into them? Sure we got a good chuckle out of that but that time he hit his head coming up the stairs and he almost blacked out - that was so NOT funny.
You know what else isn't funny?
Your smells. Funky yes but I'm not seeing the humor. Do you have a pet hampster around here that I'm not aware of? OH and if you do - don't tell Em or she will be ticked that you got one before she did. I'm seriously considering letting her get one just so it's cage can mask the odour you have going on these days. And again we will not discuss the bathroom and it's variety-show of smells when anyone has a shower or at various other random times for that matter.
I hate to bring up the front room - aka 'the addition' ,which I know is not technically your responsibility since it isn't really part of YOU but a little help in getting along with that room and not adding to the tension between us would be much appreciated. I'd like to be rid of the offending room myself but that decision seems to be in limbo so we will just have to live with it - at least for a little while longer.
So here's the thing. We know you need some help. A 12-step program of recovery maybe...the lottery would be helpful too but that's likely to bring about bulldozers faster than you would care to think about. The menfolk are absolutely against such action as they have a soft spot for you but in case your math isn't up to snuff the womenfolk outnumber the men and you don't want to know which way we would vote if it came right down to it.
We are willing to help you in any way we can but could you please OldHouse, please give us a break and give the whole aging gracefully thing a try for a bit. We really do appreciate you and you hold so many memories within your poorly insulated and slightly leaning walls. You've seen one man grow from a boy to a grandfather over the past 60+ years and helped him raise his 5 children and I'd love for you to be around to watch our 4 children and their cousins (his grandchildren) grow up too. Just think about it OldHouse.
Sincerely
Your Family
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